SCREW TELUS | Collective Network Node

The Corporate Gaslight Protocol

Telus specializes in a unique form of digital psychology. They spend millions on "Nature" imagery—frogs, flowers, and cute animals—to distract you from the fact that your internet speed is currently slower than a 1996 dial-up connection. This is Greenwashing 2.0: if the branding looks like a park, maybe you won't notice the landfill of hidden fees on page 4 of your invoice.

The "Self-Healing" Network: It heals itself by making you wait 4 days for a tech who never shows up.
SmartHome Security: A system that notifies you of an intruder 20 minutes after they've left with your TV.
Optik TV: Paying $100 for 400 channels of infomercials and pixelated local news.

I was told PureFibre was 'coming soon.' That was in 2019. I'm starting to think 'soon' is a corporate term for 'never.'

— Fort St. John User

I asked Telus to waive a late fee because my bank had an error. They waived it and added a 'Waiver Processing Fee' of the same amount.

— Waiver Math

I was told my area would get PureFibre by Q4 2021. It is now Q2 2026. I have started to appreciate my copper wire. It has character.

— Character Copper

The Telus Optik remote learned the wrong TV's IR codes. It now controls my neighbour's television. Mine still needs the old remote.

— Remote Wandering

Telus' hold music is 40 minutes of the same piano loop. I have now memorized it. It plays in my dreams.

— Hold Music Traumatized

I asked for an outage ETA during a 6-hour blackout. The IVR said 'no outage information for your area.' My area was very outaged.

— IVR Denial

I cancelled Telus home security after repeated false alarms. They continued monitoring my house for 4 months post-cancellation.

— Monitoring Against Consent

My Telus coverage map shows 'Excellent LTE' at my address. My phone shows 1 bar. The map has never been to my address.

— Map vs. Reality

Northern BC: The Forgotten Sector

If you live north of Hope, you aren't a customer—you're a donor. Telus harvests the profits from our limited choices to fund high-speed vanity projects in Vancouver. While they brag about 5G speeds in the city, we’re out here checking our antennas to see if a hawk moved the alignment of our fixed-wireless terminal again.