SCREW TELUS | Collective Network Node

The Corporate Gaslight Protocol

Telus specializes in a unique form of digital psychology. They spend millions on "Nature" imagery—frogs, flowers, and cute animals—to distract you from the fact that your internet speed is currently slower than a 1996 dial-up connection. This is Greenwashing 2.0: if the branding looks like a park, maybe you won't notice the landfill of hidden fees on page 4 of your invoice.

The "Self-Healing" Network: It heals itself by making you wait 4 days for a tech who never shows up.
SmartHome Security: A system that notifies you of an intruder 20 minutes after they've left with your TV.
Optik TV: Paying $100 for 400 channels of infomercials and pixelated local news.

The Telus satellite dish was installed pointing at the neighbour's fence. The installer said 'signal seems fine.' It was not fine.

— Compass-Free Installation

I asked Telus to waive a late fee because my bank had an error. They waived it and added a 'Waiver Processing Fee' of the same amount.

— Waiver Math

My Telus bill has 14 line items. I understand 4. The other 10 have been 'standard for years,' which explains nothing.

— Bill Archaeology

I was told PureFibre was 'coming soon.' That was in 2019. I'm starting to think 'soon' is a corporate term for 'never.'

— Fort St. John User

I have had my Telus account for 9 years. Every year they offer new customers a deal I can't access. Every year I call. Every year: no.

— Nine-Year No

Telus' 'Future Friendly Home' slogan means I am paying future prices for technology installed in 2014.

— Future-Priced Past

A Telus door-to-door agent told me I'd save $40 per month. After 2 months I was paying $30 more. The agent no longer works there.

— Door-to-Door Arithmetic

They sold me a 'Smart Home Bundle.' The smart thermostat hasn't connected to the app since day 2. The home is passive aggressive.

— Dumb Smart Home

Northern BC: The Forgotten Sector

If you live north of Hope, you aren't a customer—you're a donor. Telus harvests the profits from our limited choices to fund high-speed vanity projects in Vancouver. While they brag about 5G speeds in the city, we’re out here checking our antennas to see if a hawk moved the alignment of our fixed-wireless terminal again.